Livin' on the MDedge

Bellies up to the bar, the weight gain is on us


 

I’d do anything for weight loss (but I won’t do that)

Weight loss isn’t a multibillion-dollar industry for nothing. How many people step onto the scale in the morning and sigh, wishing they could lose that last 10 pounds?

Alcohol also isn’t a multibillion-dollar industry for nothing. If there’s one thing more universal than wishing you could lose weight, it’s drinking to forget your woes about being unable to lose weight.

A glass of beer with tape measure around it © Ljupco Smokovski/Fotolia.com

Naturally, and unfortunately for those of us who rather enjoy a good beer, one of the best ways to lose weight is to stop drinking. Alcohol is almost the definition of empty calories. So, which wins out: The unstoppable force of wanting to lose weight, or the immovable object of alcohol? According to a survey from DrugAbuse.com, it’s alcohol, and it’s not even close.

Even in a state with as health conscious a reputation as California, not only are people not willing to give up alcohol to lose weight, they’re willing to gain a noticeable amount of weight in order to continue drinking. It’s 14 pounds for Californians, which is in the middle of the road for America, which overall averaged 13 pounds to keep drinking. Hawaiians, South Dakotans, Utahns, and Vermonters were at the bottom, willing to add only 8 pounds to keep booze in their diet. At the other end of the scale, willing to add 28 whole pounds to keep the beer flowing, is humble little Rhode Island, followed by Wyoming at 23 pounds, Maryland at 22, and Tennessee at 21.

Obviously, that’s a lot of weight to gain, but to drive home the exact quantity of just how much weight, KRON-TV noted that adding the U.S. average of 13 pounds to your body is the equivalent of strapping 224 slices of bacon to yourself, which, to us, is just the poorest choice of comparison. If there’s one thing we’re less willing to give up than alcohol, it’s probably bacon. Or if you’re feeling especially ambitious, you could go for bacon-scented beer from the Waffle House. Now that’s a drink.

This looks like a job for the ‘magnetic slime robot’

What’s that? While you were in the process of gaining 14 pounds so you could keep drinking alcohol you swallowed something that you shouldn’t have? Did you swallow a lot of aggression?

Cartoon image of a slime monster openclipart/freesvg

You swallowed a what? An ear bud? But how did you manage that? No, never mind, we don’t really want to hear about your personal life. Lucky for you, though, today’s LOTME phrase that pays is “magnetic turd” and it’s just the thing for the busy executive/child with a foreign object stuck in their … whatever.

Yes, we said magnetic turd. Or, if you prefer, a “magnetic slime robot.” The black-brown–colored blob/robot/turd in question is an investigational substance that can be controlled magnetically to move through very narrow spaces and encircle small objects that have been accidentally swallowed, its cocreator, Li Zhang of the Chinese University of Hong Kong, told the Guardian.

It’s made by combining the polymer polyvinyl alcohol with borax and particles of neodymium magnet. And since those neodymium particles are not particularly friendly to humans, Dr. Zhang and the research team coated the slime with silica to seal in the toxicity. The slime has the consistency of custard and exhibits “visco-elastic properties,” Dr. Zhang said, meaning that “sometimes it behaves like a solid, sometimes it behaves like a liquid.”

We could go on, telling you about the substance’s self-healing ability and electrical conductivity and how it does look very, very turd-like. Instead, we offer this link to the team’s really freaky video.

We’re going to be seeing that in our nightmares.

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