When Stealing Becomes Even More Alarming

When a parent comes to you and reports their child is stealing, first determine if it was a single act or part of a pattern. Is the child old enough to understand their action? Have the parents had this concern before? Was the child motivated by peer pressure, like a "dare" to take something? Is the stealing associated with other unacceptable behaviors such as lying or hurting others? Does the child feel remorse or empathy for the victim of the theft?

These are important questions to ask as you figure out the frequency and context of the behavior. On one hand, you do not want to overreact and label the child a future felon. On the other hand, you do not want to miss the early signs pointing to a serious, persistent pattern of stealing.

Children steal for a lot of different reasons. It’s helpful to look at the behavior from a developmental perspective.

Sometimes at very young ages – less than 5 years – children take things because concretely they want them. A 3-year-old does not have much of a concept of theft or violating the property rights of others. If they want a candy bar when they are standing in front of a counter at the grocery store, they may just reach out for it.

At that point, parents will say: "Don’t take that. It’s not yours" or "‘We have to pay for it." This is one of the places where kids learn to control just grabbing and taking. I would not really call this stealing because they are not aware of what they are doing in that context.

In contrast, even in first grade, there are children who consistently take things from other kids.

Stealing as an Isolated Act

As children get older, they may be very attracted to some things. Someone he knows gets a spectacular new pen or cell phone or something else he really wants, and he takes it. There may be an isolated act of stealing when she is 3 or 4 years old, and another when she is 11 or 12 years old. It’s near normal and in the range of what might be expected from children, with the 11-year-old feeling uneasy and guilty about the secret she is trying to contain.

Isolated stealing in childhood does not necessarily mean a child is on track to delinquency. And being a juvenile delinquent certainly does not mean a child will become an adult offender. This information can be very reassuring to parents. As parents find out that their child stole a fancy pen from another child and lied about it to the teacher, they may come to you quite automatically thinking their kid is going to lead a life of crime. As I’ve said in a previous column, one lie does not make a child into a criminal either ("Don\'t Ever Lie to Me!" February 2012, p. 20).

Understanding that there are circumstances at different developmental stages helps parents not consider their child’s action as catastrophic.

Let’s say a young teenager is with a group of friends and they dare him or her to take the teacher’s calculator. Or they dare each other to go into a neighbor’s house and take something they saw and really liked. That is stealing in a social context motivated by peer pressure.

There may also be a group of kids who want potato chips and they don’t have the needed money. They go into a grocery store, cause a distraction, and shoplift. Again, ideally you don’t want them to do that, but groups of kids sometimes act on a dare because they are egged on by friends, or act on an impulse. This does not point to a life of crime or reach the level of robbing a bank.

For some children and teenagers, stealing is a solution to a problem. One of your jobs as a pediatrician is to figure out what problem the kid is trying to solve.

Stealing, for example, could point to internal family conflict. A teenager might really want something, but their parents say no. In response, he takes an item out of the parent’s car or desk. This is theft motivated by anger in an attempt to "get even" or to assert his autonomy from parental control. Further examples include taking the car keys when a parent says he is not allowed to drive, or secretly taking jewelry or clothing from a parent after being told she is not allowed to wear them.

These are hostile acts and it’s technically stealing, but again understanding the context of the behavior would not connect it to robbing a bank.

Those are examples at different ages of one-off stealing. These children deserve a talking to and maybe even punishment within a family. They should apologize to the victim, acknowledge the harm done, offer to make up for any damage, and promise not to steal again.

When Stealing Persists

Persistent stealing is of much greater concern. When a child steals frequently, he is probably lying all the time as well. He will lie, for example, when asked: "Where did you get that? How did that happen? Did you take it?" or "Have you seen it?"

Be careful not to leap and consider childhood stealing in the context of adult behavior. Instead, look at the family dynamics, evaluate the child’s self-esteem, and determine if the child is reacting to some outside pressure. Does the child have a problem with impulsivity or a learning disability that may impair their ability to control behavior?

Several factors tend to put kids at higher risk for more problematic behavior. The child might have a kind of neediness because she doesn’t feel valued or loved while growing up. She steals because she is looking for things to "fill her up," to feel better about herself, or to gain the status of possessing a particular item. Often in these cases, the taking, the gains to self-esteem or social standing, outweighs any guilt. In contrast, if a child feels sufficiently loved and has adequate self-esteem, then the moral price she pays for taking something – the guilt – is greater than the personal value of the item.

For example, a teenager who steals a watch might think: "I really need that watch. That watch is going to make me feel very good about myself. The people who wear that kind of watch are the kind of people I want to be." A lot of these thought processes are subconscious, but often underpin that kind of stealing behavior.

In contrast, an adolescent with good self-esteem might think: "It’s a nice watch and I’d like to have it, but I don’t really need it to feel good about myself. I’m not going to steal it and then feel the guilt and violation of trust with people I love just to have a watch."

Keep in mind that there can be family patterns. In some situations stealing behavior runs in families. Some studies suggest a genetic component, but it’s really unknown how genetics, biochemical factors, or role modeling contribute.

Stealing also can be related to poverty. Under the stress of poverty, the threshold for stealing may be lower. There are a lot of very poor people who would never steal; however, the rate of stealing is higher in poor communities. There are contributing factors that are hard to sort apart, such as inferior schools, fewer afterschool activities, higher dropout rates, gang formation, and so forth.

There is a subgroup of kids who lie and steal – and some are physically aggressive or violent – who will in fact go on to a criminal pattern. They will, by the way, have very little remorse. When one of these children is asked why they took another person’s favorite pen, they answer: "Because I needed a pen." Even if informed the pen was a graduation gift with a lot of meaning, they still say: "Hey, I needed a pen." These kids are members of a very difficult-to-treat subgroup who are at greater risk for criminal activity as adults, but they are a small minority. For children who persistently steal, it is certainly worth a lot of effort to try and help. Refer these children to a mental health professional, because the kind of complex psychiatric assessment they require is outside the realm of a typical primary care office.

Dr. Jellinek is a professor of psychiatry and of pediatrics at Harvard Medical School, Boston. He is also president of Newton (Mass.) Wellesley Hospital and chief of Clinical Affairs, Partners HealthCare. He has no relevant disclosures. E-mail him at pdnews@elsevier.com.

When a parent comes to you and reports their child is stealing, first determine if it was a single act or part of a pattern. Is the child old enough to understand their action? Have the parents had this concern before? Was the child motivated by peer pressure, like a "dare" to take something? Is the stealing associated with other unacceptable behaviors such as lying or hurting others? Does the child feel remorse or empathy for the victim of the theft?

These are important questions to ask as you figure out the frequency and context of the behavior. On one hand, you do not want to overreact and label the child a future felon. On the other hand, you do not want to miss the early signs pointing to a serious, persistent pattern of stealing.

Children steal for a lot of different reasons. It’s helpful to look at the behavior from a developmental perspective.

Sometimes at very young ages – less than 5 years – children take things because concretely they want them. A 3-year-old does not have much of a concept of theft or violating the property rights of others. If they want a candy bar when they are standing in front of a counter at the grocery store, they may just reach out for it.

At that point, parents will say: "Don’t take that. It’s not yours" or "‘We have to pay for it." This is one of the places where kids learn to control just grabbing and taking. I would not really call this stealing because they are not aware of what they are doing in that context.

In contrast, even in first grade, there are children who consistently take things from other kids.

Stealing as an Isolated Act

As children get older, they may be very attracted to some things. Someone he knows gets a spectacular new pen or cell phone or something else he really wants, and he takes it. There may be an isolated act of stealing when she is 3 or 4 years old, and another when she is 11 or 12 years old. It’s near normal and in the range of what might be expected from children, with the 11-year-old feeling uneasy and guilty about the secret she is trying to contain.

Isolated stealing in childhood does not necessarily mean a child is on track to delinquency. And being a juvenile delinquent certainly does not mean a child will become an adult offender. This information can be very reassuring to parents. As parents find out that their child stole a fancy pen from another child and lied about it to the teacher, they may come to you quite automatically thinking their kid is going to lead a life of crime. As I’ve said in a previous column, one lie does not make a child into a criminal either ("Don\'t Ever Lie to Me!" February 2012, p. 20).

Understanding that there are circumstances at different developmental stages helps parents not consider their child’s action as catastrophic.

Let’s say a young teenager is with a group of friends and they dare him or her to take the teacher’s calculator. Or they dare each other to go into a neighbor’s house and take something they saw and really liked. That is stealing in a social context motivated by peer pressure.

There may also be a group of kids who want potato chips and they don’t have the needed money. They go into a grocery store, cause a distraction, and shoplift. Again, ideally you don’t want them to do that, but groups of kids sometimes act on a dare because they are egged on by friends, or act on an impulse. This does not point to a life of crime or reach the level of robbing a bank.

For some children and teenagers, stealing is a solution to a problem. One of your jobs as a pediatrician is to figure out what problem the kid is trying to solve.

Stealing, for example, could point to internal family conflict. A teenager might really want something, but their parents say no. In response, he takes an item out of the parent’s car or desk. This is theft motivated by anger in an attempt to "get even" or to assert his autonomy from parental control. Further examples include taking the car keys when a parent says he is not allowed to drive, or secretly taking jewelry or clothing from a parent after being told she is not allowed to wear them.

These are hostile acts and it’s technically stealing, but again understanding the context of the behavior would not connect it to robbing a bank.

Those are examples at different ages of one-off stealing. These children deserve a talking to and maybe even punishment within a family. They should apologize to the victim, acknowledge the harm done, offer to make up for any damage, and promise not to steal again.

When Stealing Persists

Persistent stealing is of much greater concern. When a child steals frequently, he is probably lying all the time as well. He will lie, for example, when asked: "Where did you get that? How did that happen? Did you take it?" or "Have you seen it?"

Be careful not to leap and consider childhood stealing in the context of adult behavior. Instead, look at the family dynamics, evaluate the child’s self-esteem, and determine if the child is reacting to some outside pressure. Does the child have a problem with impulsivity or a learning disability that may impair their ability to control behavior?

Several factors tend to put kids at higher risk for more problematic behavior. The child might have a kind of neediness because she doesn’t feel valued or loved while growing up. She steals because she is looking for things to "fill her up," to feel better about herself, or to gain the status of possessing a particular item. Often in these cases, the taking, the gains to self-esteem or social standing, outweighs any guilt. In contrast, if a child feels sufficiently loved and has adequate self-esteem, then the moral price she pays for taking something – the guilt – is greater than the personal value of the item.

For example, a teenager who steals a watch might think: "I really need that watch. That watch is going to make me feel very good about myself. The people who wear that kind of watch are the kind of people I want to be." A lot of these thought processes are subconscious, but often underpin that kind of stealing behavior.

In contrast, an adolescent with good self-esteem might think: "It’s a nice watch and I’d like to have it, but I don’t really need it to feel good about myself. I’m not going to steal it and then feel the guilt and violation of trust with people I love just to have a watch."

Keep in mind that there can be family patterns. In some situations stealing behavior runs in families. Some studies suggest a genetic component, but it’s really unknown how genetics, biochemical factors, or role modeling contribute.

Stealing also can be related to poverty. Under the stress of poverty, the threshold for stealing may be lower. There are a lot of very poor people who would never steal; however, the rate of stealing is higher in poor communities. There are contributing factors that are hard to sort apart, such as inferior schools, fewer afterschool activities, higher dropout rates, gang formation, and so forth.

There is a subgroup of kids who lie and steal – and some are physically aggressive or violent – who will in fact go on to a criminal pattern. They will, by the way, have very little remorse. When one of these children is asked why they took another person’s favorite pen, they answer: "Because I needed a pen." Even if informed the pen was a graduation gift with a lot of meaning, they still say: "Hey, I needed a pen." These kids are members of a very difficult-to-treat subgroup who are at greater risk for criminal activity as adults, but they are a small minority. For children who persistently steal, it is certainly worth a lot of effort to try and help. Refer these children to a mental health professional, because the kind of complex psychiatric assessment they require is outside the realm of a typical primary care office.

Dr. Jellinek is a professor of psychiatry and of pediatrics at Harvard Medical School, Boston. He is also president of Newton (Mass.) Wellesley Hospital and chief of Clinical Affairs, Partners HealthCare. He has no relevant disclosures. E-mail him at pdnews@elsevier.com.

When a parent comes to you and reports their child is stealing, first determine if it was a single act or part of a pattern. Is the child old enough to understand their action? Have the parents had this concern before? Was the child motivated by peer pressure, like a "dare" to take something? Is the stealing associated with other unacceptable behaviors such as lying or hurting others? Does the child feel remorse or empathy for the victim of the theft?

These are important questions to ask as you figure out the frequency and context of the behavior. On one hand, you do not want to overreact and label the child a future felon. On the other hand, you do not want to miss the early signs pointing to a serious, persistent pattern of stealing.

Children steal for a lot of different reasons. It’s helpful to look at the behavior from a developmental perspective.

Sometimes at very young ages – less than 5 years – children take things because concretely they want them. A 3-year-old does not have much of a concept of theft or violating the property rights of others. If they want a candy bar when they are standing in front of a counter at the grocery store, they may just reach out for it.

At that point, parents will say: "Don’t take that. It’s not yours" or "‘We have to pay for it." This is one of the places where kids learn to control just grabbing and taking. I would not really call this stealing because they are not aware of what they are doing in that context.

In contrast, even in first grade, there are children who consistently take things from other kids.

Stealing as an Isolated Act

As children get older, they may be very attracted to some things. Someone he knows gets a spectacular new pen or cell phone or something else he really wants, and he takes it. There may be an isolated act of stealing when she is 3 or 4 years old, and another when she is 11 or 12 years old. It’s near normal and in the range of what might be expected from children, with the 11-year-old feeling uneasy and guilty about the secret she is trying to contain.

Isolated stealing in childhood does not necessarily mean a child is on track to delinquency. And being a juvenile delinquent certainly does not mean a child will become an adult offender. This information can be very reassuring to parents. As parents find out that their child stole a fancy pen from another child and lied about it to the teacher, they may come to you quite automatically thinking their kid is going to lead a life of crime. As I’ve said in a previous column, one lie does not make a child into a criminal either ("Don\'t Ever Lie to Me!" February 2012, p. 20).

Understanding that there are circumstances at different developmental stages helps parents not consider their child’s action as catastrophic.

Let’s say a young teenager is with a group of friends and they dare him or her to take the teacher’s calculator. Or they dare each other to go into a neighbor’s house and take something they saw and really liked. That is stealing in a social context motivated by peer pressure.

There may also be a group of kids who want potato chips and they don’t have the needed money. They go into a grocery store, cause a distraction, and shoplift. Again, ideally you don’t want them to do that, but groups of kids sometimes act on a dare because they are egged on by friends, or act on an impulse. This does not point to a life of crime or reach the level of robbing a bank.

For some children and teenagers, stealing is a solution to a problem. One of your jobs as a pediatrician is to figure out what problem the kid is trying to solve.

Stealing, for example, could point to internal family conflict. A teenager might really want something, but their parents say no. In response, he takes an item out of the parent’s car or desk. This is theft motivated by anger in an attempt to "get even" or to assert his autonomy from parental control. Further examples include taking the car keys when a parent says he is not allowed to drive, or secretly taking jewelry or clothing from a parent after being told she is not allowed to wear them.

These are hostile acts and it’s technically stealing, but again understanding the context of the behavior would not connect it to robbing a bank.

Those are examples at different ages of one-off stealing. These children deserve a talking to and maybe even punishment within a family. They should apologize to the victim, acknowledge the harm done, offer to make up for any damage, and promise not to steal again.

When Stealing Persists

Persistent stealing is of much greater concern. When a child steals frequently, he is probably lying all the time as well. He will lie, for example, when asked: "Where did you get that? How did that happen? Did you take it?" or "Have you seen it?"

Be careful not to leap and consider childhood stealing in the context of adult behavior. Instead, look at the family dynamics, evaluate the child’s self-esteem, and determine if the child is reacting to some outside pressure. Does the child have a problem with impulsivity or a learning disability that may impair their ability to control behavior?

Several factors tend to put kids at higher risk for more problematic behavior. The child might have a kind of neediness because she doesn’t feel valued or loved while growing up. She steals because she is looking for things to "fill her up," to feel better about herself, or to gain the status of possessing a particular item. Often in these cases, the taking, the gains to self-esteem or social standing, outweighs any guilt. In contrast, if a child feels sufficiently loved and has adequate self-esteem, then the moral price she pays for taking something – the guilt – is greater than the personal value of the item.

For example, a teenager who steals a watch might think: "I really need that watch. That watch is going to make me feel very good about myself. The people who wear that kind of watch are the kind of people I want to be." A lot of these thought processes are subconscious, but often underpin that kind of stealing behavior.

In contrast, an adolescent with good self-esteem might think: "It’s a nice watch and I’d like to have it, but I don’t really need it to feel good about myself. I’m not going to steal it and then feel the guilt and violation of trust with people I love just to have a watch."

Keep in mind that there can be family patterns. In some situations stealing behavior runs in families. Some studies suggest a genetic component, but it’s really unknown how genetics, biochemical factors, or role modeling contribute.

Stealing also can be related to poverty. Under the stress of poverty, the threshold for stealing may be lower. There are a lot of very poor people who would never steal; however, the rate of stealing is higher in poor communities. There are contributing factors that are hard to sort apart, such as inferior schools, fewer afterschool activities, higher dropout rates, gang formation, and so forth.

There is a subgroup of kids who lie and steal – and some are physically aggressive or violent – who will in fact go on to a criminal pattern. They will, by the way, have very little remorse. When one of these children is asked why they took another person’s favorite pen, they answer: "Because I needed a pen." Even if informed the pen was a graduation gift with a lot of meaning, they still say: "Hey, I needed a pen." These kids are members of a very difficult-to-treat subgroup who are at greater risk for criminal activity as adults, but they are a small minority. For children who persistently steal, it is certainly worth a lot of effort to try and help. Refer these children to a mental health professional, because the kind of complex psychiatric assessment they require is outside the realm of a typical primary care office.

Dr. Jellinek is a professor of psychiatry and of pediatrics at Harvard Medical School, Boston. He is also president of Newton (Mass.) Wellesley Hospital and chief of Clinical Affairs, Partners HealthCare. He has no relevant disclosures. E-mail him at pdnews@elsevier.com.